Chapter 42: Hath's Revenge

I had my revenge planned perfectly. I had called ahead to make sure they were open on Martin Luther King day. Apparently, porn doesn’t take a holiday. So, I went shopping at Adam & Eve. If you don't know what that is, it's a shop that specializes in sex toys. I thought what the hell: Jon didn't like the nickname Sam gave his package, so the least I can do is help him pick a new one! I also needed to do something that would embarrass him in front of his friends, but nothing that would be 'public'. I'm not trying to be mean, I just want to give him a taste of his own medicine. And I want to make him think twice about messing with Triple-G!

Keeping in mind his ideas of good names, and that the fact he has reminded us time and again that he thinks he's hung like a second grader; I gathered a variety of sizes, colors, and styles. I also picked one other thing from the shelf, then brought my selections up to be rung. The guy at the store just gave me a look when I brought my purchases to the counter. "Sorority initiation," I said, giving him my best, flirtiest wink, and he rang up my purchases without a word.

When I got home, I found my very largest boot box, and packaged everything up, carefully affixing the names of the products to them. Satisfied with the presentation they'd make (and laughing at the looks I imagine the guys will have on their faces), I moved on to the song. I had to pick a tune to write words to. I wanted to pick something that would get stuck in Jon's head (or Richie's or David's) so they'd whistle it once in a while sub-consciously, and drive Jon nuts LONG after this is done.

I want this recording to sound good, so I enlisted the help of my sister-in-law. She plays piano and has a friend who plays violin, and Sue has a wonderful voice. My dear brother had told Sue about the antics in the parking lot, and I privately told her what flash-bang really meant, and why this was my particular payback. I can trust her to keep this GF secret and take it to the grave. We're that close. I asked her and the violinist to lay down the music track, then Sue is going to sing it, if she can get through it without laughing.

* * * * * * * *

Jon received several little packages over the next couple of days. Hath must have spent all day Monday at the UPS store. He received little Hercules dolls or stickers or Terminator movies and posters, and he was starting to relax. This was annoying at best -- if Hath thought this was going to embarrass him, she was going to be disappointed.

Today was David's turn to get mail and messages from the front desk. He brought their stuff up to the suite while the others finished their lunch and talked about the set list for the next show. This box from Hath was bigger than the others, and Jon frowned when he took it from David. "What the hell?" he asked.

"I dunno," David said. "Hath wouldn't tell me what's in this one."

Richie said, "Maybe she sent you the video games, Herc."

Jon laughed and flipped off Richie. He dropped the box on the table, and picked up a knife to slit the tape. He opened the top flap of the box, and saw a note attached to a CD. It said "PLAY ME FIRST" in a firm but delicate hand. Jon saw the shoebox in the carton, and was curious, but he would be a good sport and follow directions.

Jon looked warily at his friends. "I don't know about this."

"Oh, c'mon," Tico said. "Man up. How bad could it be?"

Jon thought a minute. "I suppose you're right." He stood, sighing. "OK; but whatever this is, it doesn't leave this room."

"Yeah, yeah," the others said. They just wanted to see what Hath had done. Jon put in the CD. There was a hiss, then a soft, husky voice filled the room.

"Hey there, Jonny baby," it said.

"Whoa," Hugh said.

"Holy shit, that's Hath!" David exclaimed.

Jon just raised an eyebrow, and Hath's voice continued.

"I know that you're not quite thrilled with the name your wife-to-be gave your nether bits..." Everyone but Jon burst out laughing.

Jon grabbed the remote and clicked off the CD. "Out," he said.

The others just looked at him, shock on their faces. Was that a blush creeping up Jon's neck? Richie stood, like he was going to comply, then grabbed the remote from Jon, turned on the CD, and shoved the remote down his pants in one quick motion. "No way, man, we've GOTTA hear this," he said.

Hath's voice on the CD continued. "...and, seeing that I'm a benevolent Goddess, and gave David's a name he's apparently quite proud of, I thought I could do the same for you." There were snickers in the room, which Jon silenced with a glare. He was going to kill her. Baby or not. "Now," Hath said, "since I have no earthly desire to try out the merchandise like I did David's, sorry baby, you're going to have to help a Goddess out. Open the box, darlin'. I'll wait, but don't take too long. You've got about one minute."

With much trepidation, Jon took out an oversized shoebox – a boot box really – and put it on the table. He noticed there was something else in the bottom of the box, but was worried enough about what this package contained. The guys all gathered around, and Jon held up a finger. "Does not leave this room," he said. The others laughed and nodded, and Jon opened the lid as the strains of a violin filled the room. They all gasped, and burst into hysterical laughter. There, nestled in delicate tissue paper, was an assortment of dicks. They all had neat labels on them, and as the guys read them, their laughter got louder.

David said "Shhhh, someone's singing. It's not Hath; this voice is actually in tune."

(Sung to the tune of Turkey in the Straw. If you don't know it, it's the "Murphy's Oil Soap" song.)

If you're hung like you're in second grade, I guess dear Jon you'll find
That you compare well to the Slim Jim, but I may be being kind

So there's also Little Charmer, Mr. Thin is in there, too.
But I think you're dick is bigger, so I've sent another few.

Emperor is nice and thick; Rider's nice and long.
Crystal Cock, you must admit is one hell of a schlong

But Insatiable's my fa-vo-rite, it turns from pink to blue
And the Real Deal Hunk is kinda nice. I guess that could be you.

The Wonder Wand is wonderful, could really make her scream
Or perhaps you're like the Wallbanger? That's every woman's dream.

Creamsicle is kinda fun, but it's that last one that I trust
That you will identify with most. It's called the "Long John Thrust"

That's all the choices, for you, you see
Pick the one that's most like you, and you will agree

That it beats whatever name it is that Sam has picked for you.
And Dear Jon that is a special gift, from G-S-A to you.

The song finished, and everyone had to wipe tears from their eyes, even Jon. He had to admit, this was pretty fucking funny, and clever. The tune is one that would stick in everyone's head, and they'd torture Jon with it for a long time. "Touché, Goddess," he said softly.

Hath's voice came back on. "If none of those compare to yours in quite the right way, sweetie, there's one other package in the carton that I guarantee will help me pick a name custom fit for you. Open it up." Jon did, and bit back a curse. It was a "make a mold of your dick" kit. The CD finished with this. "If you make me a copy, I can see for myself what you should be named. Let me know baby. Peace, out."

Jon looked at David. "Don't look at me, man," David said. "This was all her." He shook his head, hardly coherent through his laughter. "Damn, that was great. I'm glad she isn't pulling pranks on me."

* * * * *

I was feeling quite proud of myself. I checked with the hotel, and the package had been delivered. I chuckled to myself all day Friday, and David had called me earlier in the day to congratulate me.

“This is Hath,” I said, answering the phone. I was distracted, having two different projects going at the moment, and was working both my computer screens and writing notes in my DayTimer.

“Hey, baby,” David said.

“David!” I said, then looked at the clock. I did the math quickly. “Did you just finish the show?”

“Yeah,” he said quietly. I could hear laughter and chatter in the background. “Are you busy?”

“Never too busy for you, baby,” I said softly. Not softly enough, though. The guy next to me snickered, and David heard it.

Chuckling softly, he said, “Losing face in front of your minions again, baby?”

“Darlin’, that ship has long since sailed,” I answered. “What’s going on?”

“Jon got your present,” he said.

“How’d it go over?”

“The rest of us laughed our asses off. Who was that singing? She sounded really good, and didn’t laugh once.”

“That was Sue, and that was like the eighteenth take,” I said, laughing. “She couldn’t get past Insatiable. Was he mad?”

“No, no, baby, you did get him to blush; though he covered it pretty quickly. That was great. How the hell did you do that so quickly?”

“I had incentive,” I said. “He embarrassed me in front of my friends, I had to return the favor, and I had to do it quickly. I had the idea even before roo-boy finished his little dance.”

David laughed. “Yeah, but that SONG. Richie’s been whistling it all night, driving Jon up a tree. That was pretty good.”

“It just sort of poured out. I don’t remember writing it, really. It was just there.” David didn’t say anything. “Hello?”

“What do you mean you don’t remember writing it?”

I sighed. “I don’t want to get into it now, but when I write, it’s mostly a subconscious thing. While my conscious brain is doing something, the fingers are on their own, doing their thing. I look down on the screen, and BOOM! I have something written.” I looked around and saw that I was pretty much alone. “It was like that when I did my stories, too.”

“Yeah, I don’t wanna talk about that,” David said, making me laugh. “Just be warned, he’s planning something else, so you’d better be ready.”

“What’s he planning?”

“Oh HELL no, I’m not getting involved in this. This is between you two.” I heard him talking to someone, then he came back on. “I just wanted to check in; I’ve gotta go in a minute. How are you and LJ doing?” I had told the girls on the board that I was calling the baby “LJ” short for “Little Joker”. We’ve been coming up with names, but nothing David and I were in love with yet.

“We’re fine, Sweet Papa,” I said. “In fact, I talked to my doctor, and he made arrangements for me to have an ultrasound in Chicago while we’re there so you can see it, too.” I was whispering now, since I haven’t told anyone at work about the baby yet.

“Oh, sweetheart, that’s wonderful! I’m so happy I get to do that with you!” I could hear in his voice that he really meant it. “What day?”

“The Monday in the middle of the Chicago shows. Right after lunch.”

“Oh, damn, Hath, that’s just wonderful. I am so glad you’re coming; that you don’t have to go to India.”

“Me too.” My Outlook pinged. I have a meeting in ten minutes. “Baby, I have a meeting with the veep in ten.”

“OK, sweetheart, I’ll let you go.” He blew a kiss into the phone. “Talk to you later, baby, OK?”

“Count on it, my love. I miss you,” I said.

“I miss you more. I love you,” David said.

“Love you too, baby.”

That night, Jon was on the boards for quite a while. After congratulating me on my prank, he told me he wasn’t quite ready for a truce yet. I rubbed my hands together, wondering what I else could do to him without pissing off Sam. I’m not sure if she found my box-o-dicks as funny as I did.

We traded smack talk back and forth in PMs about the bet and what we’d make each other do. He asked me if I can tune a guitar. Yeah right. Like he’d let me near those beauties. I told him he could be my secretary and take dictation. When he made some comment about not being able to type well, I told him that all my secretary really had to do was sit there and look pretty.

In the middle of all that banter, he dropped a bomb on me. He asked me what it was that made him such a big deal. I sat there stunned. He was kidding, right? He said he just didn’t get it. Why would Sam put up with everything his life entails? Well I answered him, face flaming, grateful that we were having this exchange in PMs rather than in person or on Skype. I’m pretty sure I would have hung up on him.

Before I could stop myself, I told him. I said that aside from the good looks (the gorgeous eyes and killer smile), the talent, the charisma and the philanthropy, the fact he isn't stupid – God, I sounded like a start-struck looney. I told him that none of this could really be a surprise to him.

I told him he’s a good man, and people know that. It's a very attractive quality. Sam saw he was 'just John'. She saw a regular guy from Jersey who was funny and sweet and thoughtful and playful, and who sounded wonderful and sexy on the phone. He still didn’t get it, but there wasn’t much else I could say.

Then the conversation turned to David and the sparks we threw off that first night. I told him that sometimes I still can’t believe he’s interested. Jon was incredibly sweet, telling me that I was beautiful inside and out, and that David loved me, and I’d been really good for him these past couple of months. It was a surreal conversation to say the least, and I’m pretty sure I won’t be able to look him in the eye come February. Queenie either. Jon asked her opinion too, and she told him, so the two of us are going to stick together and probably hide in the closet.