Chapter 40: Don't Cross Captain Kidd

At the game, it was cold.

Cold as in, “it’s cold as a witch’s tit”.

Cold as in, don’t pee outside, it may freeze.

Cold as in “Oh yeah, bring on the Chargers!”

My father, my brother, his friends, and I were set up in our usual spot in the parking lot by ten in the morning. We had our big tent up, and had the generator going, with a 35,000 BTU heater blowing blissfully warm air into our tent. Carl and the guys we usually hang with were coming in and out of the tent to get warm, but they said sitting in a heated tent was for sissies.

So, I guess I’m a sissy!

We were just settling down to breakfast. We had fresh fruit, and made pancakes on the griddle. We also cooked up a mess of sausage and bacon. It was a cholesterol free-for-all. Sam would’ve loved it, but Jon would’ve made her stick to the fruit. I had just poured the syrup on my pancakes when I heard a commotion outside the tent.

The crowd outside was louder than usual, then I heard someone talking over a microphone, and my blood ran cold.

"I'm looking for the woman called Johnson," the voice said. Shit. What the hell is this?

"Hey Hath," my brother said, poking his head out of the tent. "that guy over there on Tony's tailgate is looking for you."

I looked over at the vehicle in question and groaned. "Shit," I said under my breath. No way was I going over there. This smelled of Jon and paybacks. No way was I going to make this easy.

Unfortunately, there was no way I was going to be able to hide. John’s frat brothers gathered around me and began to push me toward the makeshift stage. I was SO selling their tickets. They were NOT going to the game with me anymore. John and Dad weren’t helping matters. They followed along behind laughing like children. None of them wanted to miss this! I tried to get away as they marched me forward, but every way I turned there was another big frat brother to push me back to the center of the circle. I had a freaking entourage! Shit.

A big crowd had gathered around Tony's truck, and I quickly found myself pushed through the crowd and into a vacant area in front of the tailgate, and I burst into laughter – I couldn’t help it.

I was looking up at a Crocodile Dundee-wanna-be and the guy in the kangaroo suit was wearing a Giants jersey. It was funny, but I had a sense of dread. This COULDN’T be good.

"Are you Hathor?" Crocodile Dundee asked.

"Nope," I lied with a straight face, "never heard of her." I turned my back and tried to get back through the crowd but they'd closed ranks and weren't letting me go any where.

"She's Hathor," my brother called out, "don't let 'er lie to you."

“You are SO not getting in to the game tonight,” I growled at him. “I’m selling your ticket to the lowest bidder.” Everyone laughed at me. They knew I would never do that to him. Sigh. They were right.

I swallowed my embarrassment and squared my shoulders. Time to Cowboy Up. Turning back to the "stage", I admitted, "Yeah, I'm Hathor. What about it?" I might as well get this over with and find out for absolute sure who did this because I wanted to know who I had to kill. If it was David, I was SO not going to Chicago; Harem reunion or not.

"I've got a little song for you," Jack the Crocodile man announced in a totally horrible Aussie accent. "And Petey the Kangaroo's gonna dance too."

I laughed as the kangaroo in question shook his head no at his partner, apparently deciding there wasn't enough room on the tailgate for him to dance. Good Lord, this was going to be funny. But it was going to be at my expense.

Jack just shrugged and started to sing. (To the tune of "Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah")

Hello Hathor, we're in Melbourne
Swimming's great here, Joker's sunburned.
Don't worry about your lover,
Flash-bang's fine, but only 'cause he had him covered.

Oh my sweet Jesus. He didn’t just sing about Joker’s dick. Holy shit. This had to be Jon. He was dead. Sam was going to have to raise that sweet baby all by herself.

Oh sweet Hathor, not to worry
we all laughed, but we're not sorry.
It was very entertaining.
Sleeping sound, but he woke once it started raining.

There's some pain, and there's some chaffing
Thank God, Flash-Bang was worth saving.
That night's show was without hitches
Even though, he wore those skin tight leather britches.

I had seen the outfit from the other night and thought David’s smile look kinda forced. Now I knew why. Poor baby.

Now you can see, revenge is sweet.
I'll go hide now, 'cause I'm dead meat.
It's deepest sympathies that I bid
I know you're sorry 'bout this news from Captain Kidd

Jon did do this! Oh, there’s gonna be hell to pay. I was gonna kill Jon. Literally, hunt him down, push him to the ground, yank his head back by his fabulous hair, and slit his golden throat. Maybe twice.

Later, I’ll admit this is pretty funny, but for now, I’m mortified. Kirk, Andy, Noah, and Ed are never going to let me live this down. Neither is my brother for that matter. Frat brothers have a strange code. It’s OK to tease and otherwise be pests to your brothers’ sisters. They could never do that to each other, but to me? The one with their tickets? How could they?!?

I was still fuming at Jon. This was public humiliation. I so wanted to do the same to him, but I wouldn’t. No way would I embarrass him in public. I was going to have to think of something good for a more private retribution.

My mind was whirring, and I flashed on a perfect payback for Jon, even as the assembled crowd laughed and clapped. Petey the Kangaroo reached into his pouch and handed me a small, stuffed, red kangaroo and a card that had the words to the song written on it. I managed to whisper “thanks” before fleeing for my tent. My brother, his frat brothers, and even my dad all followed along making teasing comments as they walked. Thank GOD they weren’t paying too much attention to the words, so they didn't know that Jon just outed David’s dick’s nickname. Shit, my DAD was there!

And, Dad, dear man he is, invited Jack and Petey to hang with us in the tent. Maybe I’ll sell his ticket, too.