So, here it is. My David Story.

A little background...

I participated in an interactive fan fiction on a friend's site, and my character ended up with David. I spent so much time immersing myself in his music and stories about him (which are hard to find, by the way) that he took over my thoughts for quite some time. I couldn't get him out of my head. He's still in there, rattling doors and opening drawers and such, but he's behaving himself. Mostly.

This story came out as an outlet for me to try to get through my little obsession. I told some of the girls from the other fan fic exercise, and they thought it was hysterical that I got so wrapped up, that I couldn't think of anything but him.

They convinced me to "go public" with the story, so here it is.

I hope you enjoy it. It starts here.

~ Hath

Chapter 38: What's In a Name?

Friday, January 18, 2008

Monday afternoon, I was ready to play. I needed a distraction from the accident, and my broken toe wasn’t quite so painful. I lurked on the board waiting for someone to show up. Lucy and Kidd were on, and we had a spirited conversation about the girls’ various injuries. Lucy had fallen and hurt her gluteus maximus (that’s ‘ass’ to you and me) and Kidd was teasing her.

The conversation turned to the bizarre, as they usually do, and we ended up talking about the things women share. Jon was incredulous that I had told a friend her fake breasts felt natural. We girls had shrugged it off; I mean, who could a girl trust other than another girlfriend? Nobody, that’s who. Anyway, Jon made some comment about never having held another guy’s dick in his hand, and well, it went downhill from there.

I've never held another guy's dick in my hand and said... Oh, no man, it doesn't crook to the left at all.

Have you been asked? No? It's that male-homophobe thing. I can feel up a GF and not feel all Lezzie or worry about it. Either that, or ya'll think your dicks are all perfect (which is more than likely the case) and you'd never dream of suggesting otherwise.

Are we really having this convo?

Yes, we are really having this conversation! And Goddess, you've seen me with my "brothers", do you really think I'm the slightest bit homo-phobic?

AND... . I don't think my d*ck's perfect! I've said many times that I'm hung like a second grader.

AND unlike Zan, I don't have a little nickname for mine either.

Sam does.

And, I've seen pictures, (erm though not in all your glory), and I don't believe it for a second, unless you know some 22-year olds who are in second grade...

So, really, Jon started the whole nickname conversation. I just brought it around, and had a little bit of fun at Jon’s expense. I mean, he was already tired, it was the wee hours of the morning where he was, and I was feeling snarky because of the accident. It was fun, though.

Sam does? Are you shitting me?

Would I shit you? ME? A known smart-ass? Actually, I have no idea, but I assume she has one. We girls typically name all our toys.

Hey, I just realized it's about noon in Arkansas. Sam'll be on her lunch break. I'm gonna go call her and find out about this nickname shit. Later Ladies.

Well, Jon got all all indignant that we were talking about his meat-n-two-veg, and all but stormed off the board. I mean, I could practically see him stalking around. I felt bad, Sam was probably gonna get it. She did. Know how I know? Because she called me to tell me. Jon was all beside himself because he didn’t like the name Sam had picked out. She picked ‘Peppy’. As in always up and at ‘em. Enthusiastic. Well, Jon wasn’t happy with that at ALL. He suggested a couple other names that had me practically rolling on the floor in hysterics. My minions thought I was certifiable. What names did he pick? Hercules and Joninator. *cue the eye roll* Jesus, have an ego, why don’tcha? I was storing that little bit of information away for when I needed to tease Jon. Somehow I knew I wouldn’t have to wait too long.

* * * * *

Wednesday sucked. It totally, completely sucked. I was in meetings all frickin day. I was supposed to be working that night, to make up for lost time; but instead, I mixed up a batch of daiquiris, and logged onto the forum. Queenie and I were having a great time “singing” songs on the board, although every song that came up on the iPod reminded me of David and made me sad. It’s gonna be a long tour. Sigh.

So, after a few drinks, we were talking about Sam’s doctor’s appointment, and Jon PM’d us to tell us he and Sam were eloping at the end of February when they were in DC, and that we were all invited. I swear, I got a tear in my eye. They love each other so much, I’m so glad they’re getting hitched privately. We were talking about gestational diabetes and high cholesterol and how Sam’s doctor told her to lay off the fried foods, and Jon was being all smug. Queenie and I warned him about playing the I-told-you-so card, and he said he wasn’t stupid; that Sam was so emotional lately that she was mad or crying all the time – except for yesterday, when he made her laugh, and she’d been laughing all day. Now, I knew full well what she’d been laughing about, and having had a few in me, decided to channeled GSA (God, I missed her!) and razzed Jon about not being funny.

I swear to you that she cries over SOMETHING every time I talk to her. Well, except yesterday, and then she spent entirely too much time laughing at me... but I won't go into that!

You mean, you're funny? Witty? Amusing? Humerous? Really?

ha ha ha

Oh c'mon, get into it. I double-dog dare you.

Well, not having fallen off the turnip truck yesterday, Jon pretty quickly figured out that I knew the reason why Sam was laughing at him yesterday, and boy did that fiery Italian temper come out. He started roaring, and dammit, I couldn’t help it, I poked the tiger.

Jon went off on me. He was probably turning eight shades of red (thanks to his fair complexion) and was probably more mortified than anything else. I just thought it was funny. Queenie had no idea what I was talking about, and I was very careful not to say anything specific – the Jovi family does not air its dirty laundry in public. Jon knew exactly what I was talking about though. He went on about how he’s gonna kill Sam, and I made yet another brilliant remark, begging him not to go Terminator on her ass, and man, that set him off but good. He was swearing at me and threatening me with nothing specific if I didn’t keep my mouth shut.

I calmly told him that he didn’t scare me and to ask me nicely, and I just might.

AW FUCK!! She told you didn't she? Don't try to lie there's just something about you're sarcasm here that's quite telling!

Lips, zipped.

FUCK!! They BETTER stay that way!

And believe me, it's taking Herculean effort to keep 'em that way.
And don't swear at me, it isn't nice *sticks tongue out*
You don't scare me, and threats don't work.
Ask me nicely.

Herculean? Herculean? Dammit!! She told you about that too?!?!?!. I'm gonna kill her! Or at least make her pay big time!

You gonna go "Terminator" on her ass??

As with any bully (or at least a man used to getting his way all the time) he got blustery, and dragged poor David in from the hall. David told me later that Jon literally grabbed his arm and hauled him bodily into the hotel room.

Joker here. Uh, baby, honey, sweetheart, please don't make him kill me. He'll do it ya know. He says he's got nothing to lose. Okay, seriously, baby, please play nice with Kidd. He's giving me a real icy glare right now, and I have to live with him for the next few weeks. So even though he won't ask nice, I'm begging here. I was just walking down the hall of the hotel, minding my own business when he roared from his doorway to come talk to my woman.

Hey baby! Why kill you? That's my job... You guys share just as much as we girls do (tapping foot impatiently). And, he'd have plenty to lose. He's never really had me go Triple-G on his ass. He thinks Zan punches hard? I ain't been boxing for three years to be a lightweight. Alright, for you, I'll stop teasing him. It's so damned much fun because he's easy to get a RISE out of. It's HARD to resist. You guys are no fun. Love ya baby, and miss you something fierce

I miss you too, babe. Love you! And thanks! Will you be up for a skype session in about a half hour? I've got something I gotta go do right now, but I was going to give ya a ping in a few.

That'll be perfect. I've got a couple of phone calls to return, then I'm all yours baby, in all my glory...

So, I kept my word (except for a small Arnold reference when I had to hop off the board to take a phone call. I said “I’ll be back”. Sometimes I just love GSA!) and played nice with Jon. He kept saying how he was going to take it out on David, setting wakeup calls for him every half hour, and I told him to watch out because I knew where they were staying. I threatened him with male strippers, talking myna birds, and gorilla-clad balloon-a-gram people. He didn’t think I was funny, and reminded me that he knew where I worked. I reminded HIM that I work in a secure building, so ha ha on him.

Guess I told him.


Anonymous said...

LMAO!!!! I just love this story. It's way too much fun to read and this chapter had me snorting from laughing so hard. LOVE IT!!!